I Hate Southern Accents

There is nothing more infuriatingly annoying to me than a southern accent. I don't care how much schooling you've gotten, you sound like a retard and I hate you for it. As soon as I hear someone spit out a "y'all" or an "I reckon," I want to claw off my ears and beat you in the throat with a cactus. It's a worse sound than fingernails down a blackboard, because when you vomit all over the english language with your speech impediment it's like the fingernails down a blackboard also has Down's Syndrome. Stop talking like that.

I know what you're thinking. "But people can't help the way they talk! Everyone down there has that accent!" Wrong, ass-burglar. There are plenty of people down south that manage to be pretty well spoken in spite of their mentally-crippling hometowns. People who still speak like rednecks are either too stupid and lazy to figure out how to talk like a normal human being or too poor to pay for speech therapy.

Lots of guys think a southern accent makes a girl hot. Right. I never understood the whole "farmer's daughter" thing. Call me crazy, but I don't get turned on by a woman's voice when it sounds like she lives on a diet of moonshine, roadkill, and big brother sperm. The fact that she's probably dressed like a hillbilly doesn't help much either. I mean yeah, she'll probably fuck you, but at what price? You'll most likely get to bang her in a room that smells like crystal meth while her flipper children watch, her uncle video tapes it for later, and then you'll go home that night with a fresh case of hepatitis. And that's if you're lucky and the uncle stays behind the camera and out of the action. Save what's left of your dignity and rent yourself a whore for 5 dollars if you want to fuck something dirty and toothless.

I don't know how I got there from talking about a southern drawl, but there it is. Back on topic...

Yeah, I know that this accent isn't only the property of people from the south. You'll hear that accent all over the country. Mostly in rural areas and coming from the mouths of morons. So if you want to sound like an undereducated inbred chud baby, please, by all means, keep talking like you live in a trailer and have fun jerking off to NASCAR and Larry the Cable Guy, tard.

I hate your stupid fucking southern accent.

I Hate White People with Corn Rows

I know that you don't see this phenomenon too much anymore, but it's still around and I still hate it. White people do not, ever, under any circumstances look good with corn rows. You look like a fucking retard. I know if you're a confused suburban white kid wearing fubu you feel that co-opting black culture is all the rage and that nothing says "Fuck you, dad!" better than a goofy hairstyle, but there's a limit, and that limit is corn rows.

I'm no expert, but it seems like you'd need some pretty thick hair for corn rows to work. Why is it that white people with the extra-thin hair are the ones that think corn rows make them look like bad dudes (or bad bitches)? All it says about you is that you're easily impressionable and you have no taste. How it really looks to everyone else is that there's always more scalp than hair showing making it look like your male pattern baldness has Down's Syndrome. If you're a white guy/girl with corn rows, what is the appeal? Do you have them because you think you look tough, like you're from the streets or something lame and misguided like that? Were you kicked in the head by a horse and the horrible corn rows distract from the dent? Or do you just have an overwhelming desire to look like Linus from The Peanuts?

Knock that shit off. If you want to look tough, get a tattoo of a skull or of a heart that says "MOM." If you want to look like an idiot, continue having corns rows and enjoy your graham crackers!

I hate white people with corn rows.

I Hate Phish

Phish is, by far, the worst band ever in the history of shitty music. They are terrible. Phish is essentially four stoners playing four different songs at the same time while singing about coffee tables and tires on your car and antelopes and shit. I never have or ever will understand the appeal of listening to what is equivelant of having carnivorous insects burrowing through your ears into your brain. Why do people listen to this shit? Here's a few reasons I came up with:

• You just moved away to college. Your new college roommate reaks of patchouli and failure, but they smoke pot. Yay pot. When living with your parents, you probably never did anything wrong for fear of getting caught since you are most likely a total vag. You think your new rommate is the coolest because he/she has dreads (despite being white and from a rich suburb), wears tie dye shirts (why do people still wear tie dye? What the fuck is wrong with you retards?), and smokes "dank nugs" (as in shit-brown weed full of seeds, rat poison, and dandruff). So you start hanging out with the new roommate more and more since he/she is opening your eyes to a brand new world of licking toads and reeking of bong water, all the while listening to nothing but your roommate's favorite band: Phish. You have never heard of anything like it before. It sort of resembles music, but it doesn't have any actual tunes so to speak of. But they have bitchin' guitar solos and extended bass solos! Totally killer to zone out and just trip to man! Now you can't get enough of Phish since you are an easily suggestible twat that will basically do anything you're told. You will eventually drop out of college to go on tour with Phish, not realizing that they broke up and don't tour anymore (for all I know they still do, but I don't care to find out).
• Phish has two billion bootlegs out there. For every studio album Phish has recorded, they have 247 concert bootlegs. That's an actual statistic I invented, look it up. All Phish fans have a form of OCD that compels them to trade and/or purchase every single bootleg that has ever been recorded. Normal people can't understand this kind of neurosis, but as any Phish fan will tell you, the gremlins will not stop torturing them until they have every bootleg. So off the little Phish fans go, burning CD's for other Phish fans to get new concerts intotheir music library of crap, blissfully unaware of anything else going on around them. "Who has time to bathe? I must get the 5/4/92 concert they did in the Everglades! Only then may I briefly rest!" I firmly believe that no one can really tell the difference between two bootlegs. Sure, maybe they play some songs at one concert they didn't play at another, but since every Phish song is a swirling torrent of unlistenable crap and random noises, you can't really tell the difference of one Phish song from another anyway. But dude! They have, like, a 30 minute long BONGO BREAKDOWN in this concert!
• Drugs. Phish fans always say that the best part of going to a Phish show is that you can get any drug you want. Everyone's all fucked up! It's great! Guess what, psuedo-hippies - you can get drugs at pretty much any other concert anywhere and said concert will almost definitely have more listenable music. You can even get coke and pot at shitty straight edge hardcore shows. And if you're only after drugs in the first place, why go to a concert at all? Hang out at a crack house. I can gaurantee that will be way more entertaining. Plus, you might be able to sell any illegitimate kids you have lying around to roving hungry crackheads.
• Birth Defects. It's no secret that Phish fans have something wrong with their brains, or at least their ears, but I'm going to take that a step further. Phish fans are just plain broken. This could be caused by any number of pre-natal reasons, but being a Phish fan is more often than not something that started either in the womb or during the birthing process. If you are a Phish fan, ask your parents what they did to you. Maybe your mother was going through post-pardem depression before you were even born, causing her to drink constantly throughout the pregnancy. Maybe she lived under power lines. Maybe your parents are hippy douchebags whose only "job" is trading poorly-made beads and knicknacks on a street corner for food stamps, tie dye and heroin. Maybe when you were popping out, the doctor squeezed your head a little too hard with the forceps causing permanent damage. Maybe your mother was an international Falling-Down-the-Stairs champion and didn't want her pregnancy to ruin her career so she kept at it. Who knows? The point is, that there's a good chance it's not even your fault that your favorite band plays THE WORST MUSIC EVER IN HISTORY.
  

If you listen to Phish, for whatever reason, you have no taste and real music wants nothing to do with you. If you and real music were walking towards each other, real music would cross the street just so it won't have to smell you. Take a bath, get a job, and go fuck yourself.

I really, really hate Phish.

I Hate Cats

Cats are for boring people with debilitating social problems. There are no exceptions to this. Say you meet a good looking girl out at a bar or rehab or something somewhere. You get to talking, and eventually she will say how she loves animals. You ask her if she has any pets. Then she says she has four cats. I don't care who you are, what your personal opinion of cats is, education level, blood-alcohol level, whatever, you will immediately think to yourself, "Holy shit, this girl is fucking crazy, and not in that good 'let's fuck on top of that passed-out homeless guy over there' crazy, but in that 'I keep all of my stool and urine in tiny jars in my basement' crazy. Four cats? I bet her apartment smells like the bathroom of a bus station." When you are having a conversation with someone and that person mentions their family of cats, it's like hearing a needle pulled across a record; time stops and there's nothing you can do but throw your drink on that person and run away screaming like your head is on fire.

Cat people are horrible. Most suffer from social anxiety and are all-around awkward. Many cat people are fat. I believe (and if science knows what's good for it, science will back me up) that for every setback in a cat person's life, they fill that void with a new cat, usually named something revolting like Mittens or Patches or My-First-Herpes-Outbreak. You get dumped? Here, have a cat, his name is Shmoopie. Gain 30 pounds from gorging yourself cookie dough out of a caulk gun? Here, have a cat, his name is Muffin. Look in the mirror at yourself and see a frumpy mess wearing sweat clothes stained with cat urine and at this moment you come to the realization that you have regressed into a social leper with no hope of physical human contact other than your cats' veterinarian and when you see him you think he's hitting on you by the way he can almost stomach looking directly at you and your shame (he really isn't hitting on you, stupid)? Here, have a cat, her name is Kill Yourself. After 10, 20, 30 years of constant letdowns and disappointments, you can find yourself the proud owner of 150 cats, and you shall be their queen.

And when you have a cat, what does it do? It sits around licking its asshole, ignoring you the whole time, and every so often it shits in a pile of sand. Awesome, get me a cat! I won't even mind the stench of stale cat urine that will permeate my house within hours and be impossible to get rid of!

Another reason why I hate cats is because I'm allergic to most of them. Just throwing it out there. I'm also allergic to taking hot bubble baths with a glass of white zinfindel from a box and eating half my weight in Ben & Jerry's while listening to Sarah McLaughlin. All cat people listen to Sarah McLaughlin. Fact.

Someone (preferrably a cat person) answer this question for me: why do cat people say cats are smart? I have never seen or heard of any evidence suggesting they are smart. Learning how to shit in a box and knowing how to find and eat food does not a genius animal make. If a cat could learn to tapdace or drive a car or even FUCKING AKNOWLEDGE YOU, I might think otherwise.

I hate cats.

I Hate My Neighbors

I am renting a twin house right now. My neighbors that have the other half of the twin are cock-gobbling fuckasses. I hate them. One is an old man. I'm not sure how old he is, but if I had to guess, I'd say he's a million billion years old. He is practically deaf, he can barely walk, and he parks his car like an asshole (more on that later). When it's warm out, he sits on his porch all fucking day long, watching the world go by. My fiancee has had the same conversation with him about 15 times the first week we lived there because he can't remember anything.

A few days after we moved into the place, I got a call from the landlady. She raised some ruckus about how we're smokers and she doesn't rent to smokers and we shouldn't smoke in the house and shit. She said a neighbor called her to basically rat us out. It was probably the old fuckhead. I hope he gets raped by a horse. Who fucking does that?

About 3 months after we moved in, asshole old guy's 40-something dickhead son moved in. He doesn't talk to anyone. He's a dick. Ever since he moved in, the TV next door has been blasting all night long and every morning. That doesn't bother me much, but I have to hear the woman complain about it every day, which is as great a time as you can imagine. Fun stuff. I don't know if it's the deaf old man or his idiot spawn blasting the TV, and I don't care. I've knocked on their door a few times and they never answer, probably because their TV is so fucking loud they can't hear me knocking. I've left angry notes on their door. However, I'm pretty sure they're both illiterate, so next time I'm planning on just shitting on a piece of paper and slapping it on their door.

In retaliation, I face my speakers against the shared wall and blast obnoxious music (like death metal and Aphex Twin and Bon fucking Jovi). They probably can't hear it.

Sometimes there's a big fat lady that visits them. She's a cunt. She is always giving us dirty looks for some reason. This doesn't bother me because we are not poor white trash and she's always in a mumu.

The old man parks like an asshole (told you I'd get back to this). He will purposely take up two spots on our already crowded street, I'm assuming just so he has room to pull in and out. He does it all the time. There is no bigger dickhead move I can think of. Parking on my street is at a goddamned premium and this asshole will always ALWAYS take up two spots. If someone parked either in front of or behind him and leaves, he will waddle his crippled fuckass out of his house and move his baby blue SUV a little bit so he's taking up both spots. Then he goes inside. Fucking piece of shit old man motherfucker DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.

We just bought a house and we're moving in a couple months so we won't have to deal with them anymore. However, we bought a twin, and the guy next door is another fucking old guy so it'll probably be the same shit all fucking over again.

I hate my asshole neighbors.

I Hate Cilantro

Why does everything have cilantro on it these days? It's becoming almost impossible to find Mexican food without cilantro on it. Cilantro is disgusting. It tastes like dead tree leaves that are soaked in battery acid and then raked across a fat man's ass crack. Even a little bit of cilantro will make all the food near it taste like it. I'd rather sprinkle dirt and scabs on my taco.

Cilantro is in everything the way oregano used to be in everything (at least oregano doesn't taste like hepatitis). It's a trendy spice that people love for some reason. You people are stupid. Cilantro is awful, get it the fuck off my plate.

Even when I tell Mexicans to not make my food with cilantro (since everything on the fucking menu has cilantro in it), there's still cilantro there. I don't want it, don't need it, I hate it.

I hate cilantro so much I can taste it in my balls.