I Hate Cats

Cats are for boring people with debilitating social problems. There are no exceptions to this. Say you meet a good looking girl out at a bar or rehab or something somewhere. You get to talking, and eventually she will say how she loves animals. You ask her if she has any pets. Then she says she has four cats. I don't care who you are, what your personal opinion of cats is, education level, blood-alcohol level, whatever, you will immediately think to yourself, "Holy shit, this girl is fucking crazy, and not in that good 'let's fuck on top of that passed-out homeless guy over there' crazy, but in that 'I keep all of my stool and urine in tiny jars in my basement' crazy. Four cats? I bet her apartment smells like the bathroom of a bus station." When you are having a conversation with someone and that person mentions their family of cats, it's like hearing a needle pulled across a record; time stops and there's nothing you can do but throw your drink on that person and run away screaming like your head is on fire.

Cat people are horrible. Most suffer from social anxiety and are all-around awkward. Many cat people are fat. I believe (and if science knows what's good for it, science will back me up) that for every setback in a cat person's life, they fill that void with a new cat, usually named something revolting like Mittens or Patches or My-First-Herpes-Outbreak. You get dumped? Here, have a cat, his name is Shmoopie. Gain 30 pounds from gorging yourself cookie dough out of a caulk gun? Here, have a cat, his name is Muffin. Look in the mirror at yourself and see a frumpy mess wearing sweat clothes stained with cat urine and at this moment you come to the realization that you have regressed into a social leper with no hope of physical human contact other than your cats' veterinarian and when you see him you think he's hitting on you by the way he can almost stomach looking directly at you and your shame (he really isn't hitting on you, stupid)? Here, have a cat, her name is Kill Yourself. After 10, 20, 30 years of constant letdowns and disappointments, you can find yourself the proud owner of 150 cats, and you shall be their queen.

And when you have a cat, what does it do? It sits around licking its asshole, ignoring you the whole time, and every so often it shits in a pile of sand. Awesome, get me a cat! I won't even mind the stench of stale cat urine that will permeate my house within hours and be impossible to get rid of!

Another reason why I hate cats is because I'm allergic to most of them. Just throwing it out there. I'm also allergic to taking hot bubble baths with a glass of white zinfindel from a box and eating half my weight in Ben & Jerry's while listening to Sarah McLaughlin. All cat people listen to Sarah McLaughlin. Fact.

Someone (preferrably a cat person) answer this question for me: why do cat people say cats are smart? I have never seen or heard of any evidence suggesting they are smart. Learning how to shit in a box and knowing how to find and eat food does not a genius animal make. If a cat could learn to tapdace or drive a car or even FUCKING AKNOWLEDGE YOU, I might think otherwise.

I hate cats.