I Hate Southern Accents

There is nothing more infuriatingly annoying to me than a southern accent. I don't care how much schooling you've gotten, you sound like a retard and I hate you for it. As soon as I hear someone spit out a "y'all" or an "I reckon," I want to claw off my ears and beat you in the throat with a cactus. It's a worse sound than fingernails down a blackboard, because when you vomit all over the english language with your speech impediment it's like the fingernails down a blackboard also has Down's Syndrome. Stop talking like that.

I know what you're thinking. "But people can't help the way they talk! Everyone down there has that accent!" Wrong, ass-burglar. There are plenty of people down south that manage to be pretty well spoken in spite of their mentally-crippling hometowns. People who still speak like rednecks are either too stupid and lazy to figure out how to talk like a normal human being or too poor to pay for speech therapy.

Lots of guys think a southern accent makes a girl hot. Right. I never understood the whole "farmer's daughter" thing. Call me crazy, but I don't get turned on by a woman's voice when it sounds like she lives on a diet of moonshine, roadkill, and big brother sperm. The fact that she's probably dressed like a hillbilly doesn't help much either. I mean yeah, she'll probably fuck you, but at what price? You'll most likely get to bang her in a room that smells like crystal meth while her flipper children watch, her uncle video tapes it for later, and then you'll go home that night with a fresh case of hepatitis. And that's if you're lucky and the uncle stays behind the camera and out of the action. Save what's left of your dignity and rent yourself a whore for 5 dollars if you want to fuck something dirty and toothless.

I don't know how I got there from talking about a southern drawl, but there it is. Back on topic...

Yeah, I know that this accent isn't only the property of people from the south. You'll hear that accent all over the country. Mostly in rural areas and coming from the mouths of morons. So if you want to sound like an undereducated inbred chud baby, please, by all means, keep talking like you live in a trailer and have fun jerking off to NASCAR and Larry the Cable Guy, tard.

I hate your stupid fucking southern accent.

I Hate My Neighbors

I am renting a twin house right now. My neighbors that have the other half of the twin are cock-gobbling fuckasses. I hate them. One is an old man. I'm not sure how old he is, but if I had to guess, I'd say he's a million billion years old. He is practically deaf, he can barely walk, and he parks his car like an asshole (more on that later). When it's warm out, he sits on his porch all fucking day long, watching the world go by. My fiancee has had the same conversation with him about 15 times the first week we lived there because he can't remember anything.

A few days after we moved into the place, I got a call from the landlady. She raised some ruckus about how we're smokers and she doesn't rent to smokers and we shouldn't smoke in the house and shit. She said a neighbor called her to basically rat us out. It was probably the old fuckhead. I hope he gets raped by a horse. Who fucking does that?

About 3 months after we moved in, asshole old guy's 40-something dickhead son moved in. He doesn't talk to anyone. He's a dick. Ever since he moved in, the TV next door has been blasting all night long and every morning. That doesn't bother me much, but I have to hear the woman complain about it every day, which is as great a time as you can imagine. Fun stuff. I don't know if it's the deaf old man or his idiot spawn blasting the TV, and I don't care. I've knocked on their door a few times and they never answer, probably because their TV is so fucking loud they can't hear me knocking. I've left angry notes on their door. However, I'm pretty sure they're both illiterate, so next time I'm planning on just shitting on a piece of paper and slapping it on their door.

In retaliation, I face my speakers against the shared wall and blast obnoxious music (like death metal and Aphex Twin and Bon fucking Jovi). They probably can't hear it.

Sometimes there's a big fat lady that visits them. She's a cunt. She is always giving us dirty looks for some reason. This doesn't bother me because we are not poor white trash and she's always in a mumu.

The old man parks like an asshole (told you I'd get back to this). He will purposely take up two spots on our already crowded street, I'm assuming just so he has room to pull in and out. He does it all the time. There is no bigger dickhead move I can think of. Parking on my street is at a goddamned premium and this asshole will always ALWAYS take up two spots. If someone parked either in front of or behind him and leaves, he will waddle his crippled fuckass out of his house and move his baby blue SUV a little bit so he's taking up both spots. Then he goes inside. Fucking piece of shit old man motherfucker DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.

We just bought a house and we're moving in a couple months so we won't have to deal with them anymore. However, we bought a twin, and the guy next door is another fucking old guy so it'll probably be the same shit all fucking over again.

I hate my asshole neighbors.