Phish is, by far, the worst band ever in the history of shitty music. They are terrible. Phish is essentially four stoners playing four different songs at the same time while singing about coffee tables and tires on your car and antelopes and shit. I never have or ever will understand the appeal of listening to what is equivelant of having carnivorous insects burrowing through your ears into your brain. Why do people listen to this shit? Here's a few reasons I came up with:- You just moved away to college. Your new college roommate reaks of patchouli and failure, but they smoke pot. Yay pot. When living with your parents, you probably never did anything wrong for fear of getting caught since you are most likely a total vag. You think your new rommate is the coolest because he/she has dreads (despite being white and from a rich suburb), wears tie dye shirts (why do people still wear tie dye? What the fuck is wrong with you retards?), and smokes "dank nugs" (as in shit-brown weed full of seeds, rat poison, and dandruff). So you start hanging out with the new roommate more and more since he/she is opening your eyes to a brand new world of licking toads and reeking of bong water, all the while listening to nothing but your roommate's favorite band: Phish. You have never heard of anything like it before. It sort of resembles music, but it doesn't have any actual tunes so to speak of. But they have bitchin' guitar solos and extended bass solos! Totally killer to zone out and just trip to man! Now you can't get enough of Phish since you are an easily suggestible twat that will basically do anything you're told. You will eventually drop out of college to go on tour with Phish, not realizing that they broke up and don't tour anymore (for all I know they still do, but I don't care to find out).
- Phish has two billion bootlegs out there. For every studio album Phish has recorded, they have 247 concert bootlegs. That's an actual statistic I invented, look it up. All Phish fans have a form of OCD that compels them to trade and/or purchase every single bootleg that has ever been recorded. Normal people can't understand this kind of neurosis, but as any Phish fan will tell you, the gremlins will not stop torturing them until they have every bootleg. So off the little Phish fans go, burning CD's for other Phish fans to get new concerts intotheir music library of crap, blissfully unaware of anything else going on around them. "Who has time to bathe? I must get the 5/4/92 concert they did in the Everglades! Only then may I briefly rest!" I firmly believe that no one can really tell the difference between two bootlegs. Sure, maybe they play some songs at one concert they didn't play at another, but since every Phish song is a swirling torrent of unlistenable crap and random noises, you can't really tell the difference of one Phish song from another anyway. But dude! They have, like, a 30 minute long BONGO BREAKDOWN in this concert!
- Drugs. Phish fans always say that the best part of going to a Phish show is that you can get any drug you want. Everyone's all fucked up! It's great! Guess what, psuedo-hippies - you can get drugs at pretty much any other concert anywhere and said concert will almost definitely have more listenable music. You can even get coke and pot at shitty straight edge hardcore shows. And if you're only after drugs in the first place, why go to a concert at all? Hang out at a crack house. I can gaurantee that will be way more entertaining. Plus, you might be able to sell any illegitimate kids you have lying around to roving hungry crackheads.
- Birth Defects. It's no secret that Phish fans have something wrong with their brains, or at least their ears, but I'm going to take that a step further. Phish fans are just plain broken. This could be caused by any number of pre-natal reasons, but being a Phish fan is more often than not something that started either in the womb or during the birthing process. If you are a Phish fan, ask your parents what they did to you. Maybe your mother was going through post-pardem depression before you were even born, causing her to drink constantly throughout the pregnancy. Maybe she lived under power lines. Maybe your parents are hippy douchebags whose only "job" is trading poorly-made beads and knicknacks on a street corner for food stamps, tie dye and heroin. Maybe when you were popping out, the doctor squeezed your head a little too hard with the forceps causing permanent damage. Maybe your mother was an international Falling-Down-the-Stairs champion and didn't want her pregnancy to ruin her career so she kept at it. Who knows? The point is, that there's a good chance it's not even your fault that your favorite band plays THE WORST MUSIC EVER IN HISTORY.
I really, really hate Phish.
