The Toyota Prius: chosen car of self-righteous urban pseudo-hippies everywhere. What is it about owning a Prius that turns your average, every day boring loser into the savior of Mother Earth? Before I really get into it, I just want to say that I am not necessarily putting the car itself down (although it is one of the ugliest cars on the road today, next to the Honda Element, Cadillac Escalade, and Pontiac Aztek), but the focus of my contempt is aimed at the Summer's Eve stepchildren that drive it.
Imagine you're boring (not too much of a stretch because, hey, you probably already are). You have no opinion on anything, nothing interesting about you personality, and nothing about you stands out to anyone. Even the weird guy in your office who smells like last week's adult diapers and stinks up the building every morning from microwaving a pound of bacon in the break room completely ignores you. What a travesty! No one should be that mayonnaisy white! But what can you do to make yourself stand out and seem interesting and passionate about something? The answer is easy: buy a Toyota Prius!
Once you are the proud and unique owner of a Toyota Prius, everyone will begin to notice that you care about the environment. They will all know that you are doing your part to help the world by using slightly less gasoline. Everyone will be lining up around the block to shake your hand, because you are the most conscientious person to ever drive a car. People will want to listen to you talk! Members of the opposite sex will want to sleep with you, and even though you won't sleep with them over members of the same sex, hey, it's really nice to feel attractive and wanted, right? You are the best!
All of that admiration and respect coming your way (at least as far as your brain is concerned) is great and all, but in reality, the real fun is just beginning. Prius drivers, in an effort to not be ignored and to seem environmentally conscious and generally better than you, will repeatedly inform anyone within earshot that they drive a Prius. And I don't mean that they'll walk up to someone and say, "I drive a Prius," but they will force their car into virtually all conversations. They will constantly refer to "my Prius" or "the Prius" instead of just saying, "my car," like any normal person. A car that fabulous and life-saving should never be referred to anonymously! It must be spoken of by name in order to achieve the appropriately reverent effect. If anyone calls your Prius a car, or "an ugly car," that person hates the environment! Ostracize them immediately!
Simply forcing the Prius into unrelated conversations is not enough, however. All Prius drivers must also make sure that all strangers they pass on the street know all about their world-saving crusade. The easiest way to do this, of course, is to consistently drive 12 MPH under the speed limit. This is a universal truth, as unchangeable as the gravitational constant or the smell of the gravy fat people's bodies produce. It doesn't matter what race the driver is, where the driver lives, the age of the driver, or even the posted speed limit of the road they are driving on; all Prius drivers reach a top speed of exactly 12 MPH under the speed limit. There could be many possible reasons for this. One, hybrids are not fast cars by any stretch of the imagination, but this can't be the reason for it because I'm pretty damn sure a Toyota Prius can go faster than 13 MPH is a 25 zone. Two, it's possible that, when buying a Prius and signing the loan, you are legally forced to drive 12 MPH under the speed limit or you will be prosecuted. While I wouldn't rule that out, I can't see many people obeying that clause for legal reasons alone. That brings us to option 3, which is the correct one: all Prius drivers cruise at slow speeds so that everyone on the street can get a good, long look at the suave, earth-saving champion driving the last hope for humanity. I can understand that, even though it's bizarro logic. It's much classier than leaning their head out the window as they drive by screaming, "That's right world! You're Welcome!" at every person they see. Because once you are in the Prius club, your pedestal is well above shouting. You are too sophisticated for that. Plus, yelling nonsense like that at non-Prius drivers would bring you down to their level, and it's really hard to effectively shout at people while looking down your nose at them. Prius drivers don't want any of us peons to think we're as good as them. They're in an exclusive club called "Anybody." No, it's much better if they just show off their crusade from the fast lane at 43 MPH.
